Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
How Do You Survive Rape?
Lately my blog posts have been driven by conversations I have with other survivors who are reaching out to me. Whether its a common struggle or a question they ask of me, it's all so pertinent to the story of a survivor. Tonight as I was settling in for one last episode of The Mentalist with my Dutchie before crashing, my phone buzzed about an alert for the From Victim to Survivor FB page about a message. After a really rough week emotionally I learned that I have to make the conscious choice to put my phone down for chunks of time, because after the first 5-6 days of the blog (aka 24/7 rape) I was overwhelmed and had night terrors for the first time in ages. All that is unimportant except that it puts an emphasis on why I broke my rule about late night rape discussions to answer this woman; her message was short, her question simple, but it rocked me. It comes down to one of the most core points of my recovery and my message I'm sharing with all of you. She asked, "how do I survive rape?"
Below is part of my response to her, I hope it helps some of you.
For me, it took me acknowledging both to myself and to my therapist that I had been assaulted and raped. Over the years I have gone through different levels of surviving. At first, the focus was getting over the more extreme symptoms of my PTSD (high startle reflex, nightmares, fear, etc)- the kind of things that most anyone could easily see and were obviously disruptive to my ability to function on any basic level. Then I started dealing with the more underlying issues, sometimes it would be 1 step forward and 2 steps back type times but the overall trend was always moving forward. I found my motivation to keep going in my determination to not let my attackers take more of my life from me than they already had. In a sense, I got angry; instead of internalizing my anger and falling into the deep depressions as I had done in the past, I let myself be angry. Now, by no means am I saying turn into a cynical or bitter angry woman, but you have a right to be angry about what you have been through, so let yourself be angry! The key for me was having a therapist, I have had the privilege to work with some great ones, and they have each contributed to different parts of my recovery. Some helped me find peace in times where I was so scared and angry and upset that I was falling apart into massive panic attacks for seemingly no reason, others helped me remember that I am a strong woman, and sometimes they were just there to listen to me. Every so often I'll hit a plateau in my recovery, sometimes it lasts for a couple months, other times a year or more, but at some point during that leveling out period, I start to see the things that I need to tackle next, and when I feel like I'm ready then my therapist is there to walk down the rough road with me. The first step is to look at the situation as something that sucks but making the conscious choice to fight it and overcome it, rather than focusing on a more victim mindset. Yes, legally and in every other sense you are a "victim", but don't let yourself become one mentally. IT IS HARD. I won't deny it or sugarcoat it, but it is so very worth it. Now, I'm not ashamed of what has been done to me, I'm open about it, and I know when my boyfriend says "I love you" I know he loves the "real" me and not the "completely perfect illusion" me. He knows about my "rough" past, and he knows how it can periodically interfere with our lives, and I know he still loves me. The greatest thing about making yourself a survivor is that you stop feeling like you're hiding who you are, you may not want to announce it on Facebook, but those close to you will love you regardless of night terrors, anxiety attacks, strange little triggers, etc. And then you will find your relationships are more meaningful because they are based on more than just surface issues, and you know they aren't going to leave. I guess that's a silver lining in a way. Alright well, now my dog is attempting to finish this blog for me so I think it's time to call it a night.
Survivors, Supporters, feel free to reach out to me anytime day or night :) If I'm awake I'm usually available.
Below is part of my response to her, I hope it helps some of you.
For me, it took me acknowledging both to myself and to my therapist that I had been assaulted and raped. Over the years I have gone through different levels of surviving. At first, the focus was getting over the more extreme symptoms of my PTSD (high startle reflex, nightmares, fear, etc)- the kind of things that most anyone could easily see and were obviously disruptive to my ability to function on any basic level. Then I started dealing with the more underlying issues, sometimes it would be 1 step forward and 2 steps back type times but the overall trend was always moving forward. I found my motivation to keep going in my determination to not let my attackers take more of my life from me than they already had. In a sense, I got angry; instead of internalizing my anger and falling into the deep depressions as I had done in the past, I let myself be angry. Now, by no means am I saying turn into a cynical or bitter angry woman, but you have a right to be angry about what you have been through, so let yourself be angry! The key for me was having a therapist, I have had the privilege to work with some great ones, and they have each contributed to different parts of my recovery. Some helped me find peace in times where I was so scared and angry and upset that I was falling apart into massive panic attacks for seemingly no reason, others helped me remember that I am a strong woman, and sometimes they were just there to listen to me. Every so often I'll hit a plateau in my recovery, sometimes it lasts for a couple months, other times a year or more, but at some point during that leveling out period, I start to see the things that I need to tackle next, and when I feel like I'm ready then my therapist is there to walk down the rough road with me. The first step is to look at the situation as something that sucks but making the conscious choice to fight it and overcome it, rather than focusing on a more victim mindset. Yes, legally and in every other sense you are a "victim", but don't let yourself become one mentally. IT IS HARD. I won't deny it or sugarcoat it, but it is so very worth it. Now, I'm not ashamed of what has been done to me, I'm open about it, and I know when my boyfriend says "I love you" I know he loves the "real" me and not the "completely perfect illusion" me. He knows about my "rough" past, and he knows how it can periodically interfere with our lives, and I know he still loves me. The greatest thing about making yourself a survivor is that you stop feeling like you're hiding who you are, you may not want to announce it on Facebook, but those close to you will love you regardless of night terrors, anxiety attacks, strange little triggers, etc. And then you will find your relationships are more meaningful because they are based on more than just surface issues, and you know they aren't going to leave. I guess that's a silver lining in a way. Alright well, now my dog is attempting to finish this blog for me so I think it's time to call it a night.
Survivors, Supporters, feel free to reach out to me anytime day or night :) If I'm awake I'm usually available.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Easy Ways to Show Support
Well the easiest way to to hit "Share" and post it on your wall- takes like 3 seconds. But there are others ways too, and below are some fun and or simple items that you could wear as a sign of support to survivors, remind yourself that you are a SURVIVOR and not a victim, whatever you want. Ran across these and thought I would share!
Theres some beautiful jewelry out there for quiet support or to keep as a reminder that you are a SURVIVOR and not a victim!
Theres some beautiful jewelry out there for quiet support or to keep as a reminder that you are a SURVIVOR and not a victim!
(some of their products below)
Paracord Survivor's Bracelet (Etsy)
(Designs below are found on numerous products, not just buttons; and are also not the only designs available for awareness!)
Friday, April 25, 2014
My Fellow Survivors
I thank you all for your support and sharing your experiences both on and off the blog. It tears me up that there are so many of us, but I'm finding that what they say about finding strength in numbers is true. I encourage those out there who are going at this alone to reach out to someone- friend, family member, therapist, support group, email me, whatever you feel comfortable with. It will ease the burden you're carrying. Keeping all of you in my prayers.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Thanks and More
I want to again thank everyone for all of the support. So many of you have asked how you can help, and I haven't really had a good answer aside from "share the blog and accept the challenges." I wasn't expecting so much response so soon, so I hadn't really come up with "phase 2." I welcome any ideas anyone has for promoting this campaign for sexual assault awareness, so please shoot me a message! I would love to get involved with schools, churches, organizations, etc to increase awareness and encourage change.
Thank you again everyone!
Danger on Aisle 2?
Sorry for the delay in posts, I have to admit that it has been an overwhelming experience- I needed some time to recover from so many days of 24/7 rape talk.
A couple days ago I was talking to a close friend, and she told me about an experience she had at the grocery. THE GROCERY. She was looking for a box of cereal and a man on the aisle hit on her, asked for her number, and when she tried to walk away, he grabbed her.
At first, I was outraged and astonished, but then I thought about it and realized that I have been harassed in varying degrees in so many normal places, like the cereal aisle at the grocery. Upon that realization, I became disgusted. I know I'm not alone when I say that most every woman regularly has to deal with something like that, and we always play it off like its completely acceptable behavior- boys will be boys, etc. It is NOT acceptable! A huge step in the direction of change will be women drawing that line and not acting like its ok; nip it in the bud. I encourage everyone to fight against this behavior: ladies, instead of laughing it off, give your hecklers and ass-grabbers a death stare and, if you are up to it, tell them its not okay in no uncertain terms; men, restrain from heckling, and speak up on behalf of women if you see them being heckled or grabbed at.
Another lesson that came from the cereal aisle of the grocery is that it is okay to freeze. SO many people have all kinds of things to say about how someone being assaulted or raped should act- scream, scratch, punch, kick, run, scream some more. Everyone has thought on some level about how they think they will react in those situations, very rarely does anything go like you plan. Everyone responds in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. Freeze is so common, once you realize what's about to happen many people just shut down. THAT IS OKAY! There is no right or wrong way to react to being assaulted or raped, however you react is the right way for you. These times are traumatic, and our brains each cope with trauma in its own way. I have reacted differently in each situation. I have frozen, dissociated, fought, tried to run, etc. About 6 months after starting treatment for PTSD, I was home in Memphis visiting my family and some friends, and a man grabbed me and almost threw me down on the ground, and I vividly remember what went through my head in that moment: "NO MORE TRAUMA!" I swung my purse at the guys head with all my strength and ended up knocking him out (courtesy of my friend having secretly put a beer in my purse for reasons that remain unknown). Then I ran like hell. When my friend picked me up I suddenly realized what had happened and I dove back out of the car and threw up. But other times, I would initially struggle then go numb, check out of my body until it was over. There's simply no telling how you will react in the moment.
I have started learning self defense, and so much of it is just pure repetition to build muscle memory. I highly recommend taking some kind of self defense class, especially to the survivors reading this. It gives you a sense of power and empowerment, which combats the feelings of helplessness and victimhood. It has helped tremendously.
So just to recap- I challenge everyone to not shrug off the creepy catcall or the unwanted gropings, its called sexual harassment, molestation, sexual assault, and more. So much of that is illegal, too. We need to stop laughing off these encounters. Men, tell those harassers to shut up and act right, but more importantly set an example for the other men you know. Finally, there is no right way to respond before, during, or after an attack. You can freeze, dissociate, scream and claw, or cluck like a chicken- it does not matter! And how you act and react in no way diminishes what you went through. It is horrible and traumatic no matter what, so don't ever be ashamed or confused by however you acted in order to SURVIVE.
A couple days ago I was talking to a close friend, and she told me about an experience she had at the grocery. THE GROCERY. She was looking for a box of cereal and a man on the aisle hit on her, asked for her number, and when she tried to walk away, he grabbed her.
At first, I was outraged and astonished, but then I thought about it and realized that I have been harassed in varying degrees in so many normal places, like the cereal aisle at the grocery. Upon that realization, I became disgusted. I know I'm not alone when I say that most every woman regularly has to deal with something like that, and we always play it off like its completely acceptable behavior- boys will be boys, etc. It is NOT acceptable! A huge step in the direction of change will be women drawing that line and not acting like its ok; nip it in the bud. I encourage everyone to fight against this behavior: ladies, instead of laughing it off, give your hecklers and ass-grabbers a death stare and, if you are up to it, tell them its not okay in no uncertain terms; men, restrain from heckling, and speak up on behalf of women if you see them being heckled or grabbed at.
Another lesson that came from the cereal aisle of the grocery is that it is okay to freeze. SO many people have all kinds of things to say about how someone being assaulted or raped should act- scream, scratch, punch, kick, run, scream some more. Everyone has thought on some level about how they think they will react in those situations, very rarely does anything go like you plan. Everyone responds in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. Freeze is so common, once you realize what's about to happen many people just shut down. THAT IS OKAY! There is no right or wrong way to react to being assaulted or raped, however you react is the right way for you. These times are traumatic, and our brains each cope with trauma in its own way. I have reacted differently in each situation. I have frozen, dissociated, fought, tried to run, etc. About 6 months after starting treatment for PTSD, I was home in Memphis visiting my family and some friends, and a man grabbed me and almost threw me down on the ground, and I vividly remember what went through my head in that moment: "NO MORE TRAUMA!" I swung my purse at the guys head with all my strength and ended up knocking him out (courtesy of my friend having secretly put a beer in my purse for reasons that remain unknown). Then I ran like hell. When my friend picked me up I suddenly realized what had happened and I dove back out of the car and threw up. But other times, I would initially struggle then go numb, check out of my body until it was over. There's simply no telling how you will react in the moment.
I have started learning self defense, and so much of it is just pure repetition to build muscle memory. I highly recommend taking some kind of self defense class, especially to the survivors reading this. It gives you a sense of power and empowerment, which combats the feelings of helplessness and victimhood. It has helped tremendously.
So just to recap- I challenge everyone to not shrug off the creepy catcall or the unwanted gropings, its called sexual harassment, molestation, sexual assault, and more. So much of that is illegal, too. We need to stop laughing off these encounters. Men, tell those harassers to shut up and act right, but more importantly set an example for the other men you know. Finally, there is no right way to respond before, during, or after an attack. You can freeze, dissociate, scream and claw, or cluck like a chicken- it does not matter! And how you act and react in no way diminishes what you went through. It is horrible and traumatic no matter what, so don't ever be ashamed or confused by however you acted in order to SURVIVE.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
My Story, Part 1: The Beginning
I have shared much of my experience with all of you, the struggle with guilt and shame that led me to keep quiet for over a decade, but I haven't shared my specific stories as the anonymous women have. I simply cannot relive every assault in one night, and because I am not anonymous I also need to be careful about how much I share, for my own sake as much as anything. I do want to share as much as I can, and many of you have reached out to me astonished that I had been hurt and never spoke up. So I am going to begin my story tonight. I will be vague, due to privacy as well as fuzzy memories; over the years I have discovered that when I am dealing with a trauma I don't store memories very well. I often remember very specific, random details of an event while others are completely lost, and I often struggle with the timeline, for example. I'm also not going to give all the "gory details." They serve no purpose; I am sharing with the world that I am a survivor of rape, attempted rape, and sexual assaults, and I am even going to share some of the basic stories, but I will not delve into details or specifics of what was done to me. I am sharing because I don't think I should be ashamed of what was done to me, but I still deserve what little privacy I am asking for, and I request that you respect that.
The summer before my freshman year of high school, I had a terrifying close call; despite the fact that this was the only time no one actually laid a hand on me, it haunts me the most in my nightmares. I was in a safe environment (or what should have been a safe environment) and was walking alone in the evening back to where everyone was (again, sorry to be so vague) when a few older guys that I knew saw me. They were obviously drunk and high on God only knows what, and at first they just cat called and whistled at me so I half waved and kept on walking. Suddenly their voices and demeanor shifted, apparently my dismissive wave and complete lack of interest had pissed them off. Their calls changed to angry yells to stop and come back, when I didn't they came after me. Fast. I was about a mile away from anyone but them, on a dark road lit by these beautiful old fashioned lamp posts that created small halos of light in the midst of the ever darkening night, I was in flip flops but I knew I had to run. I don't think I have ever run faster or harder in my life, but I couldn't escape them. I fell several times but had to keep going, I was searching for anyone who could help or anything I could use to defend myself, but mostly I just ran trying to escape their angry voices and cruel laughter. I finally saw a crossing guard about a quarter mile from my goal. I stumbled to him, begging him to help me. I'll never forget his apathetic response as he shrugged me off, "What am I supposed to do?" I didn't think I could make it the last quarter mile, I was hurt and losing speed; I remember praying for God to help me. Suddenly, as I rounded a bend with the pack of wolves only yards behind me, I ran smack into one of my guy friends. When the guys rounded the turn and saw me walking with him, they faded back; he knew something had happened, but I played it off that I had just been spooked by the dark road and had tripped. I don't know why, but even then I couldn't bring myself to admit what had almost happened to me. It wasn't until years later, I told him the story and thanked him for what he had unknowingly saved me from. That night I learned that the monsters aren't always strangers in masks lurking in the night, but are often the people you know and trust. The world stopped being a safe place, and I became determined to not be seen as a target; I was going to be strong enough to take care of myself and show the world I didn't need any help.
I was first assaulted the following summer when I was 15. I was once again in a "safe place." I was with friends, our families were all around, it was a very fun summer night. In hindsight, I think I was probably drugged, albeit unsuccessfully, but towards the end of the night I wasn't acting like myself, I felt weird, I was foggy, and parts of the night are just blank; perhaps it is just my brain protecting me from too many bad memories or perhaps it was some sort of drug, I will never know for certain. I was in a room with a group of friends as we were figuring out how we were going to spend the rest of the night, and as we left the guy in front of me blocked my way so we were the only two people in the room. He backed me into a corner, at first I was just angry. I tried shoving past him but I couldn't escape; as strong as I was, he had size on his side; he was saying things like "you're just so damn hot, I have to have you" and similar bullshit. Things quickly escalated from bad to worse, then the door suddenly swung open and one of our friends came back in looking for me, worried I had had an ADD moment and wandered off. The monster was startled and I was able to rush out of the room. I was clearly disheveled and upset, so my friend could tell something was very wrong but, yet again, I played it off as no big deal. Inside, I was dying. It had happened again. I had failed again. It was my fault because I was too attractive to resist; that message was repeatedly drilled into me, and left me torn between feeling like all of my self-worth lay in my appearance and so I needed to always look nice, and wanting to hide in sweats and no make-up.
That is simply all I can handle talking about tonight, and frankly it's more than I've told most people in the last 12 years. I am greatly over simplifying, and I will continue to in my accounts, because between reading other survivors stories and writing this, it is exhausting and overwhelming. Even when just sitting down to have a private conversation with a close friend about this topic I have to take it slow, if I open up too many old wounds its like opening the flood gates- there gets to be too many bad images flashing through my mind, at times almost erasing the present completely and sucking me back into those horrible moments. It's like an intricate dominos design, as long as I take it slow and easy, it's manageable; but if I rush then it will all fall apart before the design is finished.
I hope that this beginning of my story encourages survivors and helps others begin to understand that sexual assault and rape aren't always some stranger in a mask breaking into your house at 2 am; in fact, the majority of rapes are committed by people known to the victim. And I hope that the men who saved me know how grateful I am, for their faces are 2 I will never forget. Survivors, please keep sending in your stories and comments, they are more of an encouragement to other survivors than you may ever realize. Everyone else, support the survivors around you, be patient and encouraging because you can't begin to understand the extent of the impact of their assault(s). Good night and God bless!
The summer before my freshman year of high school, I had a terrifying close call; despite the fact that this was the only time no one actually laid a hand on me, it haunts me the most in my nightmares. I was in a safe environment (or what should have been a safe environment) and was walking alone in the evening back to where everyone was (again, sorry to be so vague) when a few older guys that I knew saw me. They were obviously drunk and high on God only knows what, and at first they just cat called and whistled at me so I half waved and kept on walking. Suddenly their voices and demeanor shifted, apparently my dismissive wave and complete lack of interest had pissed them off. Their calls changed to angry yells to stop and come back, when I didn't they came after me. Fast. I was about a mile away from anyone but them, on a dark road lit by these beautiful old fashioned lamp posts that created small halos of light in the midst of the ever darkening night, I was in flip flops but I knew I had to run. I don't think I have ever run faster or harder in my life, but I couldn't escape them. I fell several times but had to keep going, I was searching for anyone who could help or anything I could use to defend myself, but mostly I just ran trying to escape their angry voices and cruel laughter. I finally saw a crossing guard about a quarter mile from my goal. I stumbled to him, begging him to help me. I'll never forget his apathetic response as he shrugged me off, "What am I supposed to do?" I didn't think I could make it the last quarter mile, I was hurt and losing speed; I remember praying for God to help me. Suddenly, as I rounded a bend with the pack of wolves only yards behind me, I ran smack into one of my guy friends. When the guys rounded the turn and saw me walking with him, they faded back; he knew something had happened, but I played it off that I had just been spooked by the dark road and had tripped. I don't know why, but even then I couldn't bring myself to admit what had almost happened to me. It wasn't until years later, I told him the story and thanked him for what he had unknowingly saved me from. That night I learned that the monsters aren't always strangers in masks lurking in the night, but are often the people you know and trust. The world stopped being a safe place, and I became determined to not be seen as a target; I was going to be strong enough to take care of myself and show the world I didn't need any help.
I was first assaulted the following summer when I was 15. I was once again in a "safe place." I was with friends, our families were all around, it was a very fun summer night. In hindsight, I think I was probably drugged, albeit unsuccessfully, but towards the end of the night I wasn't acting like myself, I felt weird, I was foggy, and parts of the night are just blank; perhaps it is just my brain protecting me from too many bad memories or perhaps it was some sort of drug, I will never know for certain. I was in a room with a group of friends as we were figuring out how we were going to spend the rest of the night, and as we left the guy in front of me blocked my way so we were the only two people in the room. He backed me into a corner, at first I was just angry. I tried shoving past him but I couldn't escape; as strong as I was, he had size on his side; he was saying things like "you're just so damn hot, I have to have you" and similar bullshit. Things quickly escalated from bad to worse, then the door suddenly swung open and one of our friends came back in looking for me, worried I had had an ADD moment and wandered off. The monster was startled and I was able to rush out of the room. I was clearly disheveled and upset, so my friend could tell something was very wrong but, yet again, I played it off as no big deal. Inside, I was dying. It had happened again. I had failed again. It was my fault because I was too attractive to resist; that message was repeatedly drilled into me, and left me torn between feeling like all of my self-worth lay in my appearance and so I needed to always look nice, and wanting to hide in sweats and no make-up.
That is simply all I can handle talking about tonight, and frankly it's more than I've told most people in the last 12 years. I am greatly over simplifying, and I will continue to in my accounts, because between reading other survivors stories and writing this, it is exhausting and overwhelming. Even when just sitting down to have a private conversation with a close friend about this topic I have to take it slow, if I open up too many old wounds its like opening the flood gates- there gets to be too many bad images flashing through my mind, at times almost erasing the present completely and sucking me back into those horrible moments. It's like an intricate dominos design, as long as I take it slow and easy, it's manageable; but if I rush then it will all fall apart before the design is finished.
I hope that this beginning of my story encourages survivors and helps others begin to understand that sexual assault and rape aren't always some stranger in a mask breaking into your house at 2 am; in fact, the majority of rapes are committed by people known to the victim. And I hope that the men who saved me know how grateful I am, for their faces are 2 I will never forget. Survivors, please keep sending in your stories and comments, they are more of an encouragement to other survivors than you may ever realize. Everyone else, support the survivors around you, be patient and encouraging because you can't begin to understand the extent of the impact of their assault(s). Good night and God bless!
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