Thursday, May 15, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Support Survivors And Salute The Troops: Inability For Empathy Does Not Excuse Lack of Sympathy (Inspired By Hannibal)
So I was just watching an episode of season 1 of the show Hannibal (great off shoot of Silence of the Lambs for those who like Criminal Minds and that genre of crime show), and I hear the line "there is nothing more isolating that mental illness" and I simply could not put off this topic/post any longer.
Being raped or assaulted does not "give" a person a mental illness, but a survivor's internal struggle and the need for support and understanding from the people in his or her life can truly be isolating. And one of the greatest reasons is that people around you, even those with the best intentions, get impatient with being patient. They don't understand why you can't move on as fast as they think you should because more often than not they don't have any real grasp of what you are going through, there's no other experience that is similar. Then there are survivors out there who are either in denial or have healed in their own way (be it through time, therapy, both, etc) who forget what its like when the wounds are fresh. This feeling of being misunderstood and hurried is something that I've only heard one other "group" of people truly relate to, and that's combat veterans. I've found that in many aspects the emotional struggles of sexual assault survivors and combat veterans are very similar (there are also some stark differences, granted), both groups go through experiences that can only be understood by going through them yourself. I know survivors and veterans, and I have heard their stories and shared mine in turn. Most everyone has people close to them who tried to be supportive, patient, and understanding, but at some point those people one by one eventually get frustrated or forget to be patient- they can't understand why it is taking so long for you to get over it, "man up", "toughen up", "the world keeps spinning", "life goes on": these are all direct quotes of things said to BOTH rape survivors and our combat veterans.
What so many blessed people don't understand is that in many ways a survivors life was paused in that horrific moment. The images, the smells, the sounds, every tiny detail your senses registered in that real life nightmare come back to haunt you at different, and often inopportune, moments throughout your happy day to day life. Maybe you're out to dinner with friends and you smell a cologne that sends you reeling into a fog of fear and panic, or on a wonderful date and your significant other says a word or makes an expression that shoots ice through your veins. For me, those have both happened, and lots of other similar situations too. Over the years I have learned to ground myself by focusing on the moment, asking for help from those close to me, breathing exercises, a million little techniques that have become almost second nature by now; but there are still moments that I am caught of guard and I spiral out of control into a muddled cloud of nightmarish images and am full of fear and pain. I make it a point to know as much about a movie as I can before I watch it (I can watch Law and Order: SVU and that kind of show, but something showing a rape or domestic violence will at best make me sick), but I was caught off guard when I watched Safe Haven; I loved the movie, but when the full scene of domestic violence plays out it was as though someone had filmed the most terrifying minutes of my life and put them on a Blu-ray. I sat in a corner of my room with a bat next to me and called a friend to help me calm down because I kept being sent back to the moments that I thought were going to be my last moments ever.
People who have been lucky enough to go through their life without experiencing rape, sexual assault, or thinking they have had their last breath, simply cannot relate to what survivors and veterans go through. They cannot truly understand the feeling like you are constantly running from your own memories, that sometimes when you are looking at something in the present you might actually be seeing something in the past, that it's not a matter of "manning up" or "not being dramatic", but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try. The lack of experience required for empathy doesn't mean a lack of sympathy should be excused. Both survivors and veterans have gone through experiences that leave deep wounds that, even if treated, will still leave deep, life-long scars.
So I challenge those of you who are the lucky and blessed to take a look at those around you who are struggling and double check your interactions with them; make sure you aren't pushing their healing to fit your schedule. I don't know or know of any survivors or veterans who are wanting pity, so when I say be sympathetic I don't mean throw them a pity party- I mean try to understand, even if all that means is acknowledging that you can't understand. I also challenge the survivors and veterans out there to not let yourself dictate your healing by what others around you say. Yes, the world does keep spinning and life does go on, but by simply making it through your traumatic experience(s) you have proven that you are "tough enough" and "man enough": YOU ARE A DAMN SURVIVOR. So ignore the voices putting you down and hurrying you on, do what you need to do at your own pace, and speak up for yourself when you need to- don't be afraid of telling people to stop preaching about what they don't know. (I feel obligated to say that you catch more flies with honey, but I'll admit that isn't always my approach)
NOTE: There are very distinct differences in what a rape survivor goes through and what a combat veteran deals with, and in some close personal relationships throughout the last decade I have learned so much about both the similarities and differences. I would not ever dare to say I know what it is like to have been in our deployed soldiers' combat boots, but I do know a lot about their experiences and struggles once they come home. I have tremendous respect, admiration, and appreciation for the men and women who serve our country, and as much as I hope sexual assault awareness will help bring about a change in our "rape culture" and greater support for survivors, I also hope that our troops coming home can be better supported.
Being raped or assaulted does not "give" a person a mental illness, but a survivor's internal struggle and the need for support and understanding from the people in his or her life can truly be isolating. And one of the greatest reasons is that people around you, even those with the best intentions, get impatient with being patient. They don't understand why you can't move on as fast as they think you should because more often than not they don't have any real grasp of what you are going through, there's no other experience that is similar. Then there are survivors out there who are either in denial or have healed in their own way (be it through time, therapy, both, etc) who forget what its like when the wounds are fresh. This feeling of being misunderstood and hurried is something that I've only heard one other "group" of people truly relate to, and that's combat veterans. I've found that in many aspects the emotional struggles of sexual assault survivors and combat veterans are very similar (there are also some stark differences, granted), both groups go through experiences that can only be understood by going through them yourself. I know survivors and veterans, and I have heard their stories and shared mine in turn. Most everyone has people close to them who tried to be supportive, patient, and understanding, but at some point those people one by one eventually get frustrated or forget to be patient- they can't understand why it is taking so long for you to get over it, "man up", "toughen up", "the world keeps spinning", "life goes on": these are all direct quotes of things said to BOTH rape survivors and our combat veterans.
What so many blessed people don't understand is that in many ways a survivors life was paused in that horrific moment. The images, the smells, the sounds, every tiny detail your senses registered in that real life nightmare come back to haunt you at different, and often inopportune, moments throughout your happy day to day life. Maybe you're out to dinner with friends and you smell a cologne that sends you reeling into a fog of fear and panic, or on a wonderful date and your significant other says a word or makes an expression that shoots ice through your veins. For me, those have both happened, and lots of other similar situations too. Over the years I have learned to ground myself by focusing on the moment, asking for help from those close to me, breathing exercises, a million little techniques that have become almost second nature by now; but there are still moments that I am caught of guard and I spiral out of control into a muddled cloud of nightmarish images and am full of fear and pain. I make it a point to know as much about a movie as I can before I watch it (I can watch Law and Order: SVU and that kind of show, but something showing a rape or domestic violence will at best make me sick), but I was caught off guard when I watched Safe Haven; I loved the movie, but when the full scene of domestic violence plays out it was as though someone had filmed the most terrifying minutes of my life and put them on a Blu-ray. I sat in a corner of my room with a bat next to me and called a friend to help me calm down because I kept being sent back to the moments that I thought were going to be my last moments ever.
People who have been lucky enough to go through their life without experiencing rape, sexual assault, or thinking they have had their last breath, simply cannot relate to what survivors and veterans go through. They cannot truly understand the feeling like you are constantly running from your own memories, that sometimes when you are looking at something in the present you might actually be seeing something in the past, that it's not a matter of "manning up" or "not being dramatic", but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try. The lack of experience required for empathy doesn't mean a lack of sympathy should be excused. Both survivors and veterans have gone through experiences that leave deep wounds that, even if treated, will still leave deep, life-long scars.
So I challenge those of you who are the lucky and blessed to take a look at those around you who are struggling and double check your interactions with them; make sure you aren't pushing their healing to fit your schedule. I don't know or know of any survivors or veterans who are wanting pity, so when I say be sympathetic I don't mean throw them a pity party- I mean try to understand, even if all that means is acknowledging that you can't understand. I also challenge the survivors and veterans out there to not let yourself dictate your healing by what others around you say. Yes, the world does keep spinning and life does go on, but by simply making it through your traumatic experience(s) you have proven that you are "tough enough" and "man enough": YOU ARE A DAMN SURVIVOR. So ignore the voices putting you down and hurrying you on, do what you need to do at your own pace, and speak up for yourself when you need to- don't be afraid of telling people to stop preaching about what they don't know. (I feel obligated to say that you catch more flies with honey, but I'll admit that isn't always my approach)
NOTE: There are very distinct differences in what a rape survivor goes through and what a combat veteran deals with, and in some close personal relationships throughout the last decade I have learned so much about both the similarities and differences. I would not ever dare to say I know what it is like to have been in our deployed soldiers' combat boots, but I do know a lot about their experiences and struggles once they come home. I have tremendous respect, admiration, and appreciation for the men and women who serve our country, and as much as I hope sexual assault awareness will help bring about a change in our "rape culture" and greater support for survivors, I also hope that our troops coming home can be better supported.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Be Back Soon
I was injured in a car accident last week and am still recovering. When I am a bit better I have a lot to share, I have had some great conversations in the last week or so and I can't wait to share them. Hopefully I'll be back to writing in a few days!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
How Do You Survive Rape?
Lately my blog posts have been driven by conversations I have with other survivors who are reaching out to me. Whether its a common struggle or a question they ask of me, it's all so pertinent to the story of a survivor. Tonight as I was settling in for one last episode of The Mentalist with my Dutchie before crashing, my phone buzzed about an alert for the From Victim to Survivor FB page about a message. After a really rough week emotionally I learned that I have to make the conscious choice to put my phone down for chunks of time, because after the first 5-6 days of the blog (aka 24/7 rape) I was overwhelmed and had night terrors for the first time in ages. All that is unimportant except that it puts an emphasis on why I broke my rule about late night rape discussions to answer this woman; her message was short, her question simple, but it rocked me. It comes down to one of the most core points of my recovery and my message I'm sharing with all of you. She asked, "how do I survive rape?"
Below is part of my response to her, I hope it helps some of you.
For me, it took me acknowledging both to myself and to my therapist that I had been assaulted and raped. Over the years I have gone through different levels of surviving. At first, the focus was getting over the more extreme symptoms of my PTSD (high startle reflex, nightmares, fear, etc)- the kind of things that most anyone could easily see and were obviously disruptive to my ability to function on any basic level. Then I started dealing with the more underlying issues, sometimes it would be 1 step forward and 2 steps back type times but the overall trend was always moving forward. I found my motivation to keep going in my determination to not let my attackers take more of my life from me than they already had. In a sense, I got angry; instead of internalizing my anger and falling into the deep depressions as I had done in the past, I let myself be angry. Now, by no means am I saying turn into a cynical or bitter angry woman, but you have a right to be angry about what you have been through, so let yourself be angry! The key for me was having a therapist, I have had the privilege to work with some great ones, and they have each contributed to different parts of my recovery. Some helped me find peace in times where I was so scared and angry and upset that I was falling apart into massive panic attacks for seemingly no reason, others helped me remember that I am a strong woman, and sometimes they were just there to listen to me. Every so often I'll hit a plateau in my recovery, sometimes it lasts for a couple months, other times a year or more, but at some point during that leveling out period, I start to see the things that I need to tackle next, and when I feel like I'm ready then my therapist is there to walk down the rough road with me. The first step is to look at the situation as something that sucks but making the conscious choice to fight it and overcome it, rather than focusing on a more victim mindset. Yes, legally and in every other sense you are a "victim", but don't let yourself become one mentally. IT IS HARD. I won't deny it or sugarcoat it, but it is so very worth it. Now, I'm not ashamed of what has been done to me, I'm open about it, and I know when my boyfriend says "I love you" I know he loves the "real" me and not the "completely perfect illusion" me. He knows about my "rough" past, and he knows how it can periodically interfere with our lives, and I know he still loves me. The greatest thing about making yourself a survivor is that you stop feeling like you're hiding who you are, you may not want to announce it on Facebook, but those close to you will love you regardless of night terrors, anxiety attacks, strange little triggers, etc. And then you will find your relationships are more meaningful because they are based on more than just surface issues, and you know they aren't going to leave. I guess that's a silver lining in a way. Alright well, now my dog is attempting to finish this blog for me so I think it's time to call it a night.
Survivors, Supporters, feel free to reach out to me anytime day or night :) If I'm awake I'm usually available.
Below is part of my response to her, I hope it helps some of you.
For me, it took me acknowledging both to myself and to my therapist that I had been assaulted and raped. Over the years I have gone through different levels of surviving. At first, the focus was getting over the more extreme symptoms of my PTSD (high startle reflex, nightmares, fear, etc)- the kind of things that most anyone could easily see and were obviously disruptive to my ability to function on any basic level. Then I started dealing with the more underlying issues, sometimes it would be 1 step forward and 2 steps back type times but the overall trend was always moving forward. I found my motivation to keep going in my determination to not let my attackers take more of my life from me than they already had. In a sense, I got angry; instead of internalizing my anger and falling into the deep depressions as I had done in the past, I let myself be angry. Now, by no means am I saying turn into a cynical or bitter angry woman, but you have a right to be angry about what you have been through, so let yourself be angry! The key for me was having a therapist, I have had the privilege to work with some great ones, and they have each contributed to different parts of my recovery. Some helped me find peace in times where I was so scared and angry and upset that I was falling apart into massive panic attacks for seemingly no reason, others helped me remember that I am a strong woman, and sometimes they were just there to listen to me. Every so often I'll hit a plateau in my recovery, sometimes it lasts for a couple months, other times a year or more, but at some point during that leveling out period, I start to see the things that I need to tackle next, and when I feel like I'm ready then my therapist is there to walk down the rough road with me. The first step is to look at the situation as something that sucks but making the conscious choice to fight it and overcome it, rather than focusing on a more victim mindset. Yes, legally and in every other sense you are a "victim", but don't let yourself become one mentally. IT IS HARD. I won't deny it or sugarcoat it, but it is so very worth it. Now, I'm not ashamed of what has been done to me, I'm open about it, and I know when my boyfriend says "I love you" I know he loves the "real" me and not the "completely perfect illusion" me. He knows about my "rough" past, and he knows how it can periodically interfere with our lives, and I know he still loves me. The greatest thing about making yourself a survivor is that you stop feeling like you're hiding who you are, you may not want to announce it on Facebook, but those close to you will love you regardless of night terrors, anxiety attacks, strange little triggers, etc. And then you will find your relationships are more meaningful because they are based on more than just surface issues, and you know they aren't going to leave. I guess that's a silver lining in a way. Alright well, now my dog is attempting to finish this blog for me so I think it's time to call it a night.
Survivors, Supporters, feel free to reach out to me anytime day or night :) If I'm awake I'm usually available.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Easy Ways to Show Support
Well the easiest way to to hit "Share" and post it on your wall- takes like 3 seconds. But there are others ways too, and below are some fun and or simple items that you could wear as a sign of support to survivors, remind yourself that you are a SURVIVOR and not a victim, whatever you want. Ran across these and thought I would share!
Theres some beautiful jewelry out there for quiet support or to keep as a reminder that you are a SURVIVOR and not a victim!
Theres some beautiful jewelry out there for quiet support or to keep as a reminder that you are a SURVIVOR and not a victim!
(some of their products below)
Paracord Survivor's Bracelet (Etsy)
(Designs below are found on numerous products, not just buttons; and are also not the only designs available for awareness!)
Friday, April 25, 2014
My Fellow Survivors
I thank you all for your support and sharing your experiences both on and off the blog. It tears me up that there are so many of us, but I'm finding that what they say about finding strength in numbers is true. I encourage those out there who are going at this alone to reach out to someone- friend, family member, therapist, support group, email me, whatever you feel comfortable with. It will ease the burden you're carrying. Keeping all of you in my prayers.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)